You think you know, but you have no idea

Trust your instincts

2007-01-30T17:57:00.000-05:00

My coworker has a dish of candies, at his desk, with various chocolates. I avoid the peanut butter cups, chocolate covered coconut pieces, and crunch bars; I only enjoy the dove chocolates.

I usually get through the whole morning without even thinking about having a chocolate, but it the afternoon I find so many excuses to wander over to my coworkers desk and casually take a piece, or 4. I find that these chocolates are not only tasty, but also inspirational. Each wrapper has a message.

In the past I have gotten messages "wink at a stranger", "temptations are good, giving in is better"; most of them seem pretty ridiculous, but, I have begun to treat these "sweet messages" as daily horoscopes. I don't need the yes and no answers I used to get from an 8 ball, cause the important questions can't be answered with a simple yes or no.

Today I had two pieces of chocolate, because I wasn't satisfied with the first message, "trust your instincts". When the next chocolate had the very same message, I decided to take it a little more seriously.

Since I am not sure exactly which instinct the chocolate is referring to I will be second quessing every decision I make. Consider this your warning.

Cause of hate crimes discovered in Greenbboro, N.C.

2007-01-25T09:15:00.000-05:00

There was story featured on NPR this morning about a hate crime that took place on a college campus known for it strong Quaker values....

Police in Greensboro, N.C., have arrested three Guilford College football players who are accused of taunting and beating three Palestinian students. Accounts of the incident differ, but the allegations stun a small Quaker college that embraces pacifism and diversity. ~ Morning Edition

Aaron Fetrow, Dean for Campus life at Guilford, who noted that the campus follows strict Quaker values of peace and passivism, was asked how this happened at Guilford "...there was some alcohol involved, there was some testosterone involved". He went on about how the college plans to address this crime and prevent future ones, but I was so shocked by his comment, that I stopped listening.

I imagine that even without alcohol and testosterone, stupidity would prevail and hate crimes like these would still happen, even among the peace loving Quakers.

call me Marie-Antoinette

2007-01-24T08:42:00.000-05:00

My step dad and I share a birthday in the same week, his is just two days before mine.

As a child, we celebrated with the family, together...which made for some interesting combinations for the birthday song; "happy birthday, Melissa and Harry" and the version that usually got laughs at the table "happy birthday Harry N Melissa" which when said fast enough sounded like a huge insult!

His birthday falls on Valentine's day, he alway felt entitled to my valentine chocolates, so as a child I learned to eat all my candy before I got home; I blame the fact that I can't leave a bag or box of candy uneaten, once opened on this grievous form of child abuse!

Sweets and chocolate have always been a intrigral part of our birthday celebration and they continue to be so important! I spend the weeks leading up to my day dreaming about my birthday cake.

This year I have hit the cake lottery, within in one week I will attend no less than three celebrations where cake eating will not only be encouraged but required!

I told you all that 2007 was my year!

itsy bitsy distractions......

2007-01-22T09:02:00.000-05:00

As I drove to work, with a starbucks carrier full of mine and my coworkers friday morning beverages I happened to notice a spider the size of a dime, scurry across my windshield.
Spiders have always terrified me. They make my heart race and thinking about them causes me to get light headed and clammy!
One time, at a busy intersection, in St Augustine, I flipped my visor down to apply some lipgloss and a huge furry spider fell from the visor, into my lap. I freaked out, threw the car into park and jumped out, screaming and flailing around.
So, last Friday, when I came face to face with the creature that scares me more than anything else, I surprised myself, when I reached up with a starbucks napkin and squashed it. No hysterics, screaming, or frantic swatting, just one smooth, effortless movement.
I'd like to think that this was a sign of maturity, proof that I have learned to address and then conquor my fears, like an adult! Thruth is, I know ME too well. I have been pretty distracted lately and the reason I did not flip out is because my head was somewhere else.

Happy Anniversary!

2007-01-16T21:20:00.001-05:00

Today is the 88th anniversary of a very sad day in American History, the start of American Prohibition. Now, I read up on all the laws and constitutional amendments and I am basically confused about how and why this radical decision came about, but I am painfully aware of the horrendous effects.
There are so many amazing feets I'd never accomplish had it not been for the over indulgence of alcohol; granted I'd save hundreds of dollars on bar tabs, text messages and cab fair not to mention late night snacks of $50 pies of pizza.
Alcohol is not to blame for any of the decisions I have made, I am confident that I'd have made them, if I had the courage, while sober!
This includes phone calls, text messages, riduculous bets, christmas party kisses and late night swims!

Happy Anniversary!

2007-01-16T21:20:00.000-05:00

26 going on 7

2006-12-17T13:13:00.000-05:00

At what age do we become adults?

When we turn 16 and can transport ourselves?
When we graduate from college and move out for the first time?
OR dreadfully, when we move back in after graduating from college?
I used to think I would consider myself an adult when I could pay all my own bills and still afford to buy groceries.
I still consider myself a kid and not just at heart.

wishful thinking

2006-12-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when life gets tough it feels good to run back to your past, to a more comfortable time. Memories from your childhood become a comfort.
Driving into St Augustine, Saturday morning gave me that warm safe feeling, like Mom's grilled cheese or the soft warn feel of my baby blanekt. It felt so good to be back in town, with friends who have become more like siblings.
5 hours later, after a long walk and at least as many beers, we found ourselves at Rendesvous, drinking foreign beers and laughing about the present while living in the past.
The problem with going back, in order to escape the present is that sometimes the ghosts of the past are just as painful. The ghost this time happened to be the guy I dated all through college. He walked into the bar, took one look at me and wanted nothing more than to turn and walk back out, as if I never existed in the first place.
When I woke this morning, I was fairly certain that I was not sober yet, but needed to go for a walk. I ended up outside my old dorm room, sitting infront of the fountain, with a handful of change.

I could literally see into my old room as I stood there, I lived in that room 8 years ago. I took a penny and wished for a time machine. It seemed like the right wish, life was easier then, my family was healthy, my job was easy, school was simple, I napped everyday.
You can't go back, though, so I took the handful of pennies, nickles and dimes wished for happiness and threw them all in at once.
I crossed the street to the Casa Monica ordered a Vanilla Latte and burnd my lips on the hottest worst tasting poor excuse for a starbucks, I'd ever tasted. If I weren't so hung over I would have gone back the the fountain and fished my change out!

Home Sweet Home

2006-11-19T18:57:00.000-05:00

I got to the airport an hour and a half early, because my father is nothing if not Punctual. Since DFW is divided into terminals, it took just 9 minutes to check in, flirt with the delta rep, remove boots, wait in the security line, get patted down and put the boots back on, leaving me with an hour and 29 minutes to sit at my gate and wait. As I sat, on the floor, with my IPOD blaring, a hand cart, with an exuberant puppy the size of a sack of potatoes, crammed into a carrying case designed for a kitten, passed by. This little guy had been squeezed in so tight that he could hardly move, but the close quarters did not prevent his bark or cry. My heart broke just a little for him and my own puppy, who was probably sleeping off a hang over in my sister’s bed.
We boarded the plane an hour later and as my luck would have it, I was seated next to the proud new owners of the exuberant English Mastiff that had passed me in the terminal. His name is Tyler, cause that's the city they "buy-ed" him in, but it might change, some of their options are in fact, Champ, Hongry, and Dickhead. Though the wife told me they are considering some "Englished" themed names, since he is an English Mastiff, I immediately suggested Winston, though I could tell by their confused look they did not gather it's significance. "So, have you given Tyler a doggie downer, to ease his flight fears?" I asked, assuming the answer. I actually have a friend who has flown all over the world, yet still needs a bit of a downer to board a plane, so of course this poor pup deserves at least this. "Naw,he aint even been to the vet yet, we just got him yesterday" my heart sank, I doubt that they knew they were sitting next to the girl, who not only switches off the airbag, during Charlie's car rides, but also buckles him in, in a special doggie seat belt.
As we were landing, we hit some rough turbulence and got bounced around a lot. Bubba, here next to me said to his wife "I bet that pup is pretty scared" Indeed, Dickhead, indeed! I would walk from Dallas to Orlando, before loading my pup into the belly of a plane, un-sedated.
I quickly ended my conversation, tuning out the details they were sharing about their trip and the fact that "Tyler" eaten an egg mcmuffin before being loading into his crate.
Upon landing, I learned that my car had sustained another flat tire. For those of you keeping count, that is THREE in the 3 months! Thanks to my Dad, there is a bill and not a flat tire waiting for me, making me the somewhat unhappy owner of another new tire.
Since smiling beats a frown any day, I walked myself to the nearest bar, in the Atlanta terminal to watch some football and enjoy a heini light.
I said a silent prayer for "Tyler" hoping that he had Mr. Churchill's courage and strength and thought happier thoughts, like feeding my beloved boy turkey scraps, under the table at dinner this Thursday.
I realize that Charlie and I both have a lot to be thankful for this thanksgiving!

The ego of Mar's and the gravitational pull of Pluto

2006-11-17T18:08:00.000-05:00

Just as they were about to close the airplane door a tall, dark haired guy
ambled through the door, and carrying all the airs of 'fashionably late" with
little to no concern for deadlines or departure times. Center, world? He
meandered towards the row across the isle from my row, sat down and pulled out his IPOD as if the FAA's rules and regulations applied to everyone else accept him.
Now, I am not one to adhere to rules, so safely ensconced here in my glass
house, typing away on my berry, not switched into airplane mood, I will refrain from throwing stones, but there is one detail about this guy that I have to mention and obsess over and that is his background picture on his laptop!
My background picture on my laptop is a picture of the herd, from Amanda's birthday, my cell's background is a case of beers from a boating trip and the backdrop on the berry is of the most gorgeous horse, from the Belmont. I picked pictures that make me smile.
The rowmates background is a pictures of himself, sitting on the hottest bike you've ever seen topless and smothered in what appears to be baby oil. While the picture is, I might point out, difficult to pull away from, it does seem slightly self centered of him, don't you think?
In the event of a water landing, I hope I can use his ego as a floatation device!

Ouch

2006-11-16T00:22:00.000-05:00

I was baking, the house smelled great! Since I have serious ADD I decided to start a second and third project while the timer ran down. When the bell rang I ran into the kitchen and threw open the oven. My friend warned me to be careful. I even thought to myself maybe an oven mit was necessary, but I was in a rush and had so much on my mind, I grabbed for a dish towel, reached into the oven and burned myself.
It hurts, bad. Suddenly my sweet smelling apartment sickens me. I am sure that this one will leave a scar.
Some friends would say " I told you so"
My friend, she got me some ice and gave me a big hug.
She's a good friend.

"Dines with strangers"

2006-11-01T09:18:00.000-05:00

The very unsettling follow up to "Bakes with Strangers"
I got a very upsetting email from my surrogate Godmother on Monday. She is hosting thanksgiving dinner at her new home, conveniently located, directly across the street from my parent's home, which is just a short walk (in case of over indulgence of alcohol) to my place, and needed a head count for the meal.

"Hi there....let me know if you will be inviting a guest to join you for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm doing the head count. Thanks- Mrs. L."

Basically, my godmother is asking me if I will be bringing a date to thanksgiving dinner. As if there is some new secret boy I have been hiding from them, waiting for the perfect "blended" family celebration to "unveil" him.

I have not replied to her email and figure that I have at least two more days to find a date, so who wants to be my Thanksgiving Dinner date? If you are interested in applying please fill out the simple questionnaire below. I will be making my final decision Saturday AM.

1. Name, age, hometown, occupation
2. Religious and political affiliation (extra points awarded to "atheists and socialists")
3. Please list possible contributions to the meal, since everyone will be bringing something.... (note: I like Heine Light and Makers Mark)
4. This one is super important, in the event that you are asked, at the table, what you are most thankful for, how would you answer this question? (types of answers that will earn you points with me..... "The Yankees not making it to the post season." answers that will earn you point with the adults "blah, blah blah, my health, blah, blah, blah, my beautiful thanksgiving dinner date...."
5. Please submit a picture of you at one of your own family events.

Thanks so much for your time readers. I will be sure to answer all applicants in a timely manner!

The Happiest Halloween!

2006-10-29T19:14:00.000-05:00

I am not good with endings. I always get a little sad when a birthday ends, when I pack up the fall decorations and once the last holiday present is opened. This is what I try to get the most out of my holiday celebrations, let them drag on for as long as possible.....

This weekend's never ending Halloween celebration was so fabulous. Granted, it started with a weeks worth of preparations, sheeps costumes don't make themselves ya know!
Thursday at our our office party, we decorated our area as a catholic girls school, Our Lady Of Virtue. Seeing all my coworkers in costume was definately the highlight of my work day!
On Friday night, Liz, Beth, Jenny and I went to a costume party, downtown, thrown by The Guys With Ties.

The party had a overwhelming presents of guys dressed as clergy men, as if it was the costume to be had this year.....

I left feeling less than holy, the highlight of the night was the pedicab home to Jenny's and our sleep over.
Saturday was spent trying to nap and procrastinating a huge project, which I have yet to start.....
At 7p the herd came over, to finish the costumes and get ready for the night, I never thought we were going to leave, especially since Amanda had more fun parading around naked than she did the rest of the night, she is the black sheep though!
We finally got downtown, waiting in line for a half hour and watched every imaginable version of "girl in lingerie with wings so she looked like a fairy/angel/tramp" walk by. Thank god we all have very healthy egos, cause while our costumes had about twice as much fabric as the other girl's, we knew we all looked great!

I will be kinda sad on Wednesday, the first day of November, it is a great month and all, but Halloween is really my favorite holiday!
At breakfast this morning we came up with next year's costume. I can't believe that halloween is not even here yet and we are already prepared for 2007!

Straight from the streets of South Compton

2006-10-04T20:10:00.000-04:00

Greetings,
I am writing you from bed, having been ordered there, Monday, by the doctor, after he tried to lower my temperature, from 104.1.
What can I say? I am one hot chick..... with mono.
It doesn't really seem like I have been getting any breaks, lately; but if you really think about it, breaks are tough to judge.
See, my neighbors car tires were stolen, right off the car, all four of them. The vehical is literally "up on blocks". Could have been my car..... there is a break, right?
It is sort of tough to judge just how bad you have it, until it gets worse or better and you have something to compare it to.
I am exhausted now and off to bed.
Signed, your blessed, but maybe not so obviously so blogger....
Melis

the best 6 minutes you will have today

2006-09-28T18:49:00.000-04:00

Life gets tough sometmes. After a week like this I start to wonder just when is it going to get better. I found something that made my day, my week and my whole month. I am going to share it with you all.... this is going to be the best 6 minutes of your day!

I bet you won't get that promise from Bloggy McGee or Maki.

Adjust your volume and enjoy....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

Isnt it ironic

2006-09-25T22:53:00.000-04:00

I can't remember all the words to that catchy Alanis Morissette song, but I remember thinking that the stuff she was singing about was pretty crappy.

Bad stuff happens everyday to people all over the world. Some people believe that both bad and good things come in threes. Other people think that good and bad is doled out as people deserve it, like gold stars and frowny faces. Hippies credit Karma. Religious freaks believe that God never gives you more than you can handle. What does not kill you makes you stronger, as if heartaches are actually little vaccines, given to protect you from the bigger ones....

Like rain on your wedding day...
Like the good advice that you just did not take..
Like a free ride when you've already paid....

None of those things are actually ironic, but the do suck.

Life is not fair; no one ever said it was going to be. Life is not easy, that's why people drink. Life has no guarantees except ONLY death, cause let's face it; some people even get out of paying taxes.

This past weekend was pretty shitty, it has been a pretty crappy month, in fact, this whole year has sucked. I am not going to get into the specifics, because this blogging stuff really is not making me feel any better about my luck or lack of fortune.

I certain that good and bad things DON'T come in threes, cause if they do, the person in charge of counting clearly needs to go back to kindergarten. I don't think that I deserve this and my God sure as hell isn't piling on more pain just because I am strong enough to handle it. Sure this will make me strong, that does not make me feel better.

I am thankful that I have some really super friends and the most adorable little puppy anyone has seen. My family is great, very supportive and at least I still have my health.

My review of The Bahamas

2006-09-18T16:49:00.000-04:00

I returned today from a 4 day cruise to Freeport and Nassau, hosted my by work's morning radio show. This was the 4th annual cruise and this year we had over 400 loyal listeners and several wild employees.
I am pretty hazy on the details; sadly I will have to wait til people start bringing in pictures to piece together the trip.
I do know that I started drinking at 11am Thursday and had my last beer at 2am this morning.
The room is still rocking, back and forth.
Snorkeling in the rain is plenty safe, while snorkeling in a thunderstorm is not.
It is possible to get a sun burn during a thunderstorm.
And finally, this little bar in Nassau, called Senior Frogs happens to be located right on the very hinges of hell!
I may or may not elaborate on my experiences, once I get a look at the pictures.

Important Questions

2006-09-11T19:12:00.000-04:00

After getting my second flat tire, in so many days, it is time that I ask myself, just who is mad and me and why....
Basically, if you are reading this post, you are a suspect, but there are several people who have managed to make it on my short list.
Lindsay, who's wedding, is literally just weeks away has clear motive, because I have yet to mail her my RSVP.....
Tom's Bartender hates me because I am witty and more interesting but she has motive to ram a nail in both my front and back tires to make sure that I can't have any fun.
And Tom, don't think that the fact that your girl in on my short list absolves you, because it doesn't. Oh, wait, you were in DC this weekend OR were you? I will need receipts if you wish to be cleared of suspicion.
Josh, who could be bitter that I missed 3 of his four birthday celebrations....
Amanda's Lord, who is jealous that we spend so much time together.
Or maybe the first nail was real and the second planted by the service guy at Sears, when he realized that he was madly in love with me.
Feel free to submit your alibis, my crack legal team will be investigating each of you and reporting back to me.
I have bought 4 spare tires and plan to drive around with them until the suspect is apprehended.

In the spirit of Ernesto

2006-08-29T21:44:00.000-04:00

There is a hurricane* floating out, just beyond the Keys, his name is Ernesto, a spanish name, derived from the word EARNEST, meaning.....

ear‧nest1 /ˈɜrnɪst/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ur-nist] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. serious in intention, purpose, or effort; sincerely zealous: an earnest worker.
2. showing depth and sincerity of feeling: earnest words; an earnest entreaty.
3. seriously important; demanding or receiving serious attention.
–noun
4. full seriousness, as of intention or purpose: to speak in earnest.

So, let me take a minute and be totally earnest with you, all three of you. Life has gotten kinda tough.

*tropical storm, wave, cloud......

RIP RSVP

2006-08-25T23:37:00.000-04:00

The internet is killing polite society.

There was a time when people sat down and wrote letters, rode to their neighborhood store and purchased clothing, called to catch up with friends and mailed their bills with checks enclosed.

Slowly, the technology developed by the internet has made these simple human interactions all digital. We send out Evites, shop on Ebay, catch up with Emails and pay tolls with Ebills.

People don't RSVP anymore, they don't call they don't text, I think the internet killed this too.

The internet has made it completely possible to never have physical contact with other humans and I blame Al Gore* for this.......

*2000 election Snickers commercials.....

Just the headlines

2006-08-18T09:23:00.000-04:00

It has been an interesting week and thankfully, I can tell you all about without worrying about some government drone checking up on me! Now that I think about it, read away internet drones, I am sure they can use the entertainment.

While I was at Mulligans, doing snake bites and making fun of the regulars some of you were watching Snakes on a Plane. If you enjoyed the movie or don't want to read any spoilers, don't read this article. Honestly, I only skimmed it, but it seems like the movie snaked the author out.

Good news for ping pong manufacturers. Three new planets have been added to the solar system, making millions of text books obsolete and inaccurate. Wait a second, inaccurate text books, NOW WAY!

Now this may come as a shock to many of you, so if you are not sitting down, please do so, for your protection. A federal judge ruled Thursday that the nation's top cigarette makers violated racketeering laws, deceiving the public for years about the health hazards of smoking. Shocking, right?

I participated in a Fantasy Football draft this Tuesday. I am very proud of my team, despite the fact that my father says they are stinkie. So, I have updated my internet favorites, to include some NFL sites. And according to USAToday, I am not a geek despite the fact that I have a blog.

This weekend, here at home it will be 93 with a chance of rain, in fact this has been our forecast for a month now. It is going to be sunny somewhere.

Have a great weekend!

If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind

2006-08-18T09:13:00.000-04:00

I sat a the bar last night with my best friend, drinking and laughing for hours, but still kept looking at my cell every three minutes. At the time, under the influence of alcohol, I actually wondered if my cell was broken, again.

Here's how to tell if he's JUST NOT INTO YOU....

The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys...Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

-An excuse is a polite rejection. men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."

-Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he's interested, he'll do the asking.

-If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

-Just because you like to lead doesnt mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.

-"Hey. lets meet at so-and-so's party/any bar/friend's house" is NOT a date. even if you live in New York.

-Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.

-You are good enough to be asked out.

-If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.

-If he creates expectations for you, and then doesnt follow though on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize he's okay with disappointing you.

-Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do.

-If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

-"Busy" is another word for "asshole." "Asshole is another word for the guy you're dating.

-You deserve a fucking phone call.

-Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. "I don't want to be in a serious relationship" truly means "i don't want to be in a serious relationship with you" or "i'm not sure you're the one." (Sorry)

-Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

-If you don't know where the relationship is going, it's okay to pull over and ask.

-Murky? Not good.

-There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone he's your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

-People tell you who they are all the time. When a man says he can't be monogamous, you should believe him.

-Companionship is wonderful, but companionship with sex is even better. Call a spade a spade or, more fittingly, a friend a friend, and go find yourself a friend that can keep his hands off you.

-Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend, so prioritize accordingly.

-If you're tempted to spend countless nights just cuddling with someone, buy a puppy.

-There's someone out there that does want to have sex with you, hot stuff.

-There is no excuse for cheating. Let me say that again. There is no excuse for cheating. Now you say it. There is no excuse for cheating.

-Your only responsibility in someone else's lapse in judgement is to yourself.

-Cheating is cheating. It doesn't matter whom it was with or how many times it happened.

-Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

-Cheaters never prosper. (cause they suck.)

-A cheater only cheats himself, because he doesn't get to be with you.

-It doesn't count unless he says it when he's sober. An "I Love You" (or any semblence therof) while under the influence of anything stronger than grape juice won't hold up in court or in life.

-Drinking and drug use are not a path to one's innermost feelings. otherwise people wouldn't smash empty beer cans against their skulls or stick fingers in fire to see if they can feel anything.

-If he only wants to see you, talk to you, have sex with you, etc., when he's inebriated, it ain't love---it's sport.

-Bad boys are actually bad.

-You deserve to be with someone who doesn't have to get loaded to be around you.

-"Doesn't want to get married" and "Doesn't want to get married to me" are very different things. Be sure about which category he falls under.

-If you have different views about marriage, what else are not on the same page about? Time to take inventory.

-If you don't feel like you're rushing, why are you waiting?

-There is a guy out there who wants to marry you.

-You can't talk your way out of a breakup. It is not up for discussion. A breakup is a definitive action, not a democratic one.

-Breakup sex still means you are broken up.

-Cut him off. Let him miss you.

-He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

-"Classy" doesn't mean "break into his answering machine."

-There is a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

-He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely, he's just not that into you.

-No answer is your answer.

-Don't give him a chance to reject you again.

-Let his mother yell at him. You're too busy.

-There's no mystery-he's gone and he wasn't good enough for you.

-If a guy is yelling about his ex-wife or crying over his last girlfriend, try to find someone else to take you to the movies.

-Life is hardenough as it is without choosing someone difficult to sare it with.

-You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time. (you have to be nice to them, oo.)

-You already have one asshole. You don't need another.

-Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve.

-Have faith. What other choice is there?

Fuck Myspace

2006-08-17T21:30:00.000-04:00

I got home from the gym tonight and discovered that among the various comments and emails on myspace I had a new friend request.
Fabulous! I thought. I have been out there meeting new people, so obviously, one of my new friends found me on myspace and friended me, right?
I started with the birthdays and discovered that Brad's is tomorrow.
Then onto comments. A funny one from Lizz, with the definition of STUPID, she's so funny.
Next, on to my new "friend" applicant. I prefer it when people send me emails accompanying the request, but I have been known to over look this. This hopeful did not have a picture, which is always vexing. That paired with the fact that there was no email is near death, but curiosity got the better of me and I clicked through to "tom's" page.
"Tom
55 Year Old Male
Rockwall, TX."
HOLY SHIT!
My freaking father has "friended" me.
My life is officially over. No really, this is it. All down hill from here.

do good things come to those who wait?

2006-08-15T21:44:00.000-04:00

I got a phone call today from my leasing office, letting me know that there was a DHL package waiting for me at the office.
The package was delivered on the 3rd of August.
I am not expecting a package, therefore I explained to the leasing manager, I had no idea that it was waiting for me. She seemed annoyed, but to tell you the truth, so was I.
She did not have time to drop the package off at my door. Nor did she has time to check who had sent the package. She did have time to remind me of the leasing offices policies for accepting packages and to remind me what time the office closes.
If she was so upset and bothered by the package, then how come she let it sit there for 12 days?
Any guesses as to the contents of this package?

Just the headlines

2006-08-11T10:09:00.000-04:00

Good morning friends,

Here are some of the important headlines, from some sources you probably would not read on your own. I included all the links, so all you have to do is click and learn.

First and foremost a story that effects us all about a topic that is terrifying. the airport distruption may end quickly. but what of the hassel of the carry on situation?

Liquid ban on airplanes may linger. Which will most definately lead to an increase in profits for Johnson and Johnson and their counterparts!

How about some good news? Sure.... Tom and Katie invite the Beckhams to see their new baby! Where are those terrorists when we need them?

It's 98 degrees out and all the stores are stocking the best of the fall collections, so you know what that means? Yep, football season! Click here to read a story about sports, I did not read it but am including it so this is a well rounded list is headlines.

Oh, wait here is some good news: dollar Gains Versus Euro as U.S. Retail Sales Increase in July!

Hope you all have a great weekend planned. It looks like rain here for us, maybe your neighborhood has a better forecast.

You get what you PAY for?

2006-08-04T22:32:00.000-04:00

It is nearly 1030p on a Friday sometime in August and I am sitting in my living room, somewhere in Orlando, watching the last several minutes of The Soup, the only good thing worth watching on TV on a Friday night.....
Don't believe me?
Well the best of the networks is carrying NUMB3RS (please note the peacocks desperate attempt to be cool by substituting a 3 for an E) Anderson Cooper is leading in the 24 hour news game, but they are all carrying the same shots of people dancing in the streets in Miami (who by the way can tell me what those folks have to be so excited about) there's Animal Cop Detroit or What Not to Wear and Ghost or some new cartoon on MTV. Seriously, despite the total lack of choices on the basic channels I don't feel let down because I have the delux package, which includes all the movie channels.
So, what do you ask are my choices on the movie channels?
On HBOC W we've got Wildcats 86 about a famous coach's daughter who sleeps with the whole football team.
HBOM W Rudy about a famous former Notre Dame football player who sleeps with the whole, wait, what is Rudy about again?
Titanic, Pretty in Pink, Cinerella Man and Randson (insert appropriate Mel joke here) I, Robot, the last few minutes of Sexual Healing (which is not what I was hoping for...) and Boyz N the Hood.
Basically, I cannot understand why I pay $130 a month but more importantly what the hell am I doing home, alone on a Friday night?

psychic reading

2006-07-29T13:13:00.000-04:00

As I got out of my car last night, headed to happy hour I debated changing out of my perfect NineWest healed flip flops into something more comfortable, but convinced myself that this perfect pair of shoes made my calfs look great!
I stood at an intersection, waiting to cross, standing next to a homeless man, who asked me for a couple bucks. I thought about handing him a dollar or two, but was reminded of just how hard I work and wondered what this man had done for me, to deserve even a dollar. As I crossed that street he said "that's ok, pretty lady, you still remind me of Britney Spears." Which made me smile, cause of course I pictured the Britney ALA "hit me baby one more time". I almost headed back to hand him a dollar but was running late.
Just as soon as I walked into the bar someone, following too closely stepped on the back of my perfect shoe, causing the leather strap to break, leaving me shoeless. Thankfully, the bar owner let me sneak out that back of the bar, so I could run to my car and get the comfortable pair of shoes.
As I hopped through the alley way, nearly breaking my ancle, it hit me. That man, the homeless one, he was actually psychic. I did not remind him of "hit me..." Britney, but more like the cheeto loving, extra pound carrying, barefoot, cirlce K feet, Britney we all laugh at today.
Son of a bitch!
I guess I owned him more than just a dollar.

Tonight's Specials

2006-07-28T01:09:00.000-04:00

There are certain things on the menu at a restaurant that I cannot and should not order. I usually avoid those items and opt for something that it either good for me, like fish or immediately satifying yet unfilling like an ice cream sundaes or my current favorite, cheese cake with strawberries and whip cream.

Tonight, I sat at the restaurant, totally planning to order the baked fish, then drive myself home and be in bed by 9p, but I saw a waitress walk by with one of those forbidden dishes and knew that I did not have the will power to say no this time.

As soon as the dish arrived I knew that I would regret my decision and thankfully I never even took a bite, but the truth is I sat there all night long, pushing the food around on my plate, imagining how good it would actually taste.

Heck, it is 1 am now and I still cannot stop thinking about it, but I am disappointed in myself. There was a time in my life when I promised that I would never order this dish and I made it this far without doing so. What exactly caused me to crack tonight. Well, you see I am under a lot of stress and I am very confused about what I want and need right now.

I drove home tonight without ever even eating a thing, I feel kinda weak and empty, but the truth is that the forbidden dish and just about anything I could have ordered tonight would have made me feel weak and empty.

I am going to go to bed now. I hope that I don't lay there wide awake for hours. Tonight, I really need to drift off and dream about fast cars and shopping trips.

my dad's car is faster than your dad's car....

2006-07-25T21:25:00.000-04:00

You heard me!
On Sunday, I was in that car you pull up next to, you know, when you see a really hot ass ride and you ease up next to it at a traffic light and you are pretty disapointed to see that there is some prissy girl behind the wheel.
You always make some comment to yourself like "figures, what a waste of speed".... well that is if you have never been in a car with me behind the wheel. I bascially drive everywhere like I am racing to the finish line.
So there I sat, Sunday morning, stopped at a light, at the base of a hill, listening to the best of 90's gangsta rap on XM, when an older BMW rolled up. There were three boys inside, and upon seeing me, in the vette they all rolled their eyes. See they did not realize that I live to go fast. I speed from one red light to another. I love the sounds of wheels squealing. I have "fighter pilot" in my blood.
I am sure that after I shamelessly left the beamer in my dust, the driver of the BMW sarcastically remarked that it was not my car, but my daddy's.

And you know what, he was right it was my daddy's car, and it was pretty sweet.
But come on, who in their right mind takes on a brand new vette?

license to kill

2006-07-22T23:11:00.000-04:00

My father has a rather extensive collection of hand guns, scattered, in much the same way I scatter flash lights, through out the house. He takes them out to admire them, really, in the same way I admire my collection of coach hand bags. The only difference between his collection and mine is that one could kill a man.... I will let you figure out which.
This morning, when I woke up, my father had 5 of his hand guns layed out on the coffee table, all out of their cases and he asked me, rhetorically, I assume if I was ready to go to the firing range. Since I hardly felt like I had a choice, I quickly dressed and mentally prepared myself for what I assumed would be an awkward experience.
At the firing range, that looked more like a back porch than anything, the owner, Sonny was teaching and testing applicants for the concealed weapon permit. The test consists of two firing accuracy exersizes and a written exam. While this may sound pretty complicated, please note that after only firing 5 rounds from a 45 I picked up a 9 mil and passed part one and part two, in effect completeing the accuracy exam.
So either I am the next John Wayne or the test is so easy a red coach carrying snob from central florida could pass it. After I completed round one, Sonny, who seemed impressed commented on my form, though I can't be sure that he was referring to the way I held my weapon or my ass in the skirt I wore to the range. I did not bother to take the written portion of the test, because I have no interest in carry any more weapons, but I imagine that portion is just as easy:
When loading a gun it is best to.....
A. drink several shots of whiskey before loading...
B. point the barrel of the weapon toward you or a loved one.....
C. do so with care
All in all, this was a pretty typical day in Dallas.

new plane smell

2006-07-20T23:39:00.000-04:00

I was comfortably* seated in my midget** sized seat, on flight 64XX, cruising at a comfortable 98,000 feet***, listening to the Gregorian Monks chant the Ave Maria, drifting off the sleep, thanks to the ambien pill and double glass of wine**** when the stewardess came over the intercom to inform us that the beverage and snack cart would be making it's way though the cabin, but that coffee and tea were not available. It turns out that the plane was brand new, so new in fact that the old coffee makers would not fit and some engineer somewhere was designing a whole new coffee maker.

Learning that it was entirely possible that I was on the very first flight of this aircraft's "life" was strangely terrifying. There are many cases when being the first is an honor; first to see a movie, first in line for tickets, first to own the new fall signature Coach. There are actually very few times when being first is less than honorable and carries with it more weight than worth; sex, first patient or worse, first surgical patient, first to dine at a restaurant and first to ride the new coaster at Disney......

In any case I landed safely and even got to take a much needed, if not slightly uncomfortable nap. I will spend the weekend in Dallas and should return home sometime late Sunday. Sadly, missing Lindz bachelorette party. I do appreciate all of your thoughts during this time, so thanks for the messages I have already received and the ones yet to come.

*hunched forward, with my head resting on the tray table.
**little person sized?
***approximately
****it was 12pm somewhere

Mission Impossible

2006-07-17T21:46:00.000-04:00

Earlier this morning I was sitting at the dealership, where Blu was having his mother board checked, listening to a weather guy track a storm that might interfere in the shuttle's landing. So as I made my way back to the office I waited to hear the tell tale sonic booms. Discovery landed today, successfully and with little fan fair, accept from Lindz, who is already working on a new mission plan.

I wondered to myself just how they manage to get that huge spacecraft safely on the ground and what exactly they did to get rid of the booms?

I was out with the ladies Saturday night, you know, the usual. We could not be any more different as a group, save for the fact that we all had black tops and jeans on. We are just about the coolest group you'd ever want to meet.

The fact that a guy had the courage to approach one of the girls in the group was a down right miracle. See, Liz is one of those strikingly beautiful girls and a sense of humor that is as sharp as a tack. The two of them flirted for a bit, until he finally got the courage to ask for her number and told her he would call later.

Later has several definitions it turns out and is one of those words that are really too vague
to be taken seriously. This guy broke all the rules when he called around 3a and barely redeemed himself with an apology text an hour later.

I would like to imagine that figuring out when to call once you get the digits, guys, is just as complicated as figuring out when to land the shuttle is for NASA. Contrary to what the boys from Swingers want you to believe, there is actually a very small window of safety for that phone call. Make it too soon and you are the drunken desperate dude, who will burn up, just as soon as he hits the ozone, wait to long and you just bounce off the atmosphere, to drift off into space.

I don't really know when the best time to call is. 24 hours? Two days? By the next Wednesday (which seems like a new phenomenon)? 5 days, 12 days or like Dr McAwkward did: the guy who bought us all beer at the bar so he could hit on Kelly, 10 minutes after meeting her. See while we were not paying attention he picked up her phone and called his, getting her number.......

In the end, dating is kind of like a space mission. The ladies, all floating around up there and you fella trying to dock our stations.....

My point is guys, it is a confusing world out there and while we all speak the same language sometimes we seem just as lost as the American and the Russians astronauts, floating around in the space station, barely able to communicate, save for smiles and nods.

Okay, maybe I have gone too far with this one... it is not that I sit here obsessing over when he (boy de jour) will call.

"I have a very full lif...."

Hang on, I hear my phone.

my review of adderall

2006-07-06T09:50:00.000-04:00

Wake up Saturday morning, head straight to the beach, neglect to eat, choose instead to save room for beer.
Saturday12p: beer is late.
1245p: getting cranky, starting to feel light headed.
1p: beer arrives.
105p: who ordered lite beer?
125p: finished lite, much less filling beer, still starved
230p: return from walk on beach, with empty beer glass. get a refill
330p: complain about late check in to hotel and lack of food, medicate myself with more lite beer and a snickers bar because the commercial says "hungry? grab a snickers". still hungry.
4p: checkin in
425p: waiting for elevator, balancing suitecase, pillow, brad's bag and beer, see kid with a PBJ sandwich, consider tripping him and taking the sandwich, but he seems fast and I am dont want to spill my beer.
5p: shower.
6p: at JB's, order a more full bodied beer and food. there is a parot at the bar, I am terrified of birds and dont each anything with wings.
730p: full and groggy, who's idea was it to drink all day....zzzzzz
8p: half asleep, someone suggests a red bull, but that stuff makes my heart race.... take an adderall instead.
Fast forward to Sunday at 8p, still have not slept, but I did....... drink for 24 hours straight, sober up, drive home, fold laundry, organize closet, cleaned out pantry, swept porch, swept neighbors porch, vaccumed house...twice, cleaned out fridge, changed bed sheets, took charlie on a 3 mile walk, worked out at gym (55 minutes of cardio), made dessert, bought and wrapped birthday gift for grandma, called dad, called Jen, called Tommy, called Karen...both of them, called and thanked Rob, called the other Rob, called Corbie, called Father, called Hill, texted sister.mom.dad.tom.kelly.tim.lani.sky.jen.michelle.jon.josh.hill then showered and dressed for dinner.
Sunday 11pm: sleep finally.

Is independence always good?

2006-07-04T15:12:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning around 9am, way later than I normally sleep, in shock that I had not received a single missed call or text. It took me til nearly 1pm to realize that my cell phone was not working, which literally paniced me. I got right in my car and drove to the nearest sprint store only to learn that each and every sprint tech was given the holiday off.

When I got home I decided that the only thing that could cheer me up was drinking a beer by the pool. I headed over, leaving, for the first time, my precious phone on the kitchen counter. Just as soon as I got to the pool the sky opened up, while I realize the irony of avoiding the rain, while at the pool, I did not find it funny at the time.

It seemed like, despite what MK said earlier this week, nothing was coming up Melis.
It turns out I am celebrating this independence day, in true independent fashion, unable to communicate with anyone else.

The phone does not work, it does however alert me when I have a new voicemail, so if you happen to call, I will get your message alert and call you back when I find a phone that works. The quickest way to reach me is by emailing me, cause thankfully, the blackberry still works. This my friends, is exactly why I don't use my blackberry as a phone!

Apples and Oranges

2006-06-30T09:01:00.000-04:00

I recently got a new Ipod. It is black and shiny with a screen. It fits really well in my little Ipod player and plays all of my favorite songs. I have no idea what makes it run. I am a little freaked out that there is no way to open it up to look inside and I don't trust things that don't have detachable batteries. I wonder how my Ipod works. Is there like a little mini CD player with one super CD with all my songs? I am not very mechanically inclined, which is funny cause my father is like this rocket scientist, mechanical engineer man he could out MacGyver MacGyver. You know when they say apples don't fall far from the tree? Well I guess in this case, this apple must have hit some slippery grass and rolled over the to orange groves.

I am raging against their machine

2006-06-26T23:23:00.000-04:00

To whom this may concern,

I am not sure exactly how to file this complaint, but I feel if this matter is not addressed I am going to have to move. And while it is true I don't normally stay anywhere for more than 7 months, I am starting to like it here.

Please don't take this the wrong way, it is not that I am not thrilled that you have an active if not loud sex life, but I did happen to learn both of your names before officially being introduced.

I do find your extensive music collection impressive. Unfortunately the pounding base from the Rage Against the Machine CD you benevolently switched on is not sufficently masking your very complimentary screams of praise.

Go ahead, call me bitter. My current lack of a relationship not withstanding, it is 2am and I am trying to sleep.

Sincerely,

Your Neighbor.

An apple a day

2006-06-26T20:03:00.000-04:00

I dated a graphic art during my creative, flip flop wearing college years. He is a very talented creative guy, who, to this date he remains my favorite ex. There is no doubt that I learned more and loved more while we were together. There were, however, several of his intense loves that I was never, however able to adopt as my own, one of which was the LOVE of APPLE.

I found those creative, apple using types so snobby. Even when I was forced to use one during my editing classes and later in the newsroom at my first post grad job; I never got the hang of the mouse and hated that they just were not compatible with the PC. I was so content to plod along on my little PC laptop that literally crashed more often that my neighbor.

I was, so against Apple that I gave away the first two Ipods I received. It was not until late last year that I felt such a strong compelling desire to own the Ipod, the apple product that singlehandedly saved the apple brand.

Imagine my dismay and total feeling of betrayal when my precious music playing, video showing, wonderous apple product crashed. Had I not already been dealing with my PC's fatal errors, I may have thrown the ipod out the window, in total frustration. After exhausting all other apple fixing options; even that guy who seems to know everything and own technical secret weapon could not help, I decided to call Apple and totally expected hours of waiting on hold or worse, experiencing something like this.

I brought my Ipod in to the apple store, waiting my turn at the Genus Bar, where I learned what Wi-Fi stands for and that the 30G Ipod, when full, can play music for 3 weeks without repeating the same song. The very kind "lady" wearing an Apple Tshirt, cut off camouflage pants, flip flops and smelling of patchouli, told me that while it was impossible to salvage my Ipod, she could give me a new one, still in it's shiney packaging. She may have been disheveled, but boy was she helpful as hell.

Now as my new ipod juices up I feel an overwhelming need to tell everyone how great Apple products really are and by everyone I mean, Corbie, Maki, Matty, Lindz and Tommy, cause you guys are my regular readers.

Please don't expect me to fully adopt the afore mentioned loves of my ex. I don't see myself becoming a patchouli loving, pot smoking tree hugging, dolphin fan anytime soon.........

Nosey Neighbors

2006-06-25T23:10:00.000-04:00

I woke up Saturday morning, feeling pretty shitty and hung over after 3-4-1. I drove to Starbucks around 9am, read there for a couple hours before heading to my folks house for breakfast, they don't have near the selection that first watch has, but the wait is not as long and you can beat the price. I hung out for an hour, while dad fixed my laptop. Before walking out the door I took a lap through my parent's pantry, picking up a few essentials, crate of propel water, some oat meal and a jar of blueberry jam which I won't ever use cause I refuse to buy bread by the loaf.

My folks literally live less than a mile away, so the drive home took seconds, because I rolled threw all the stop signs and hit both the lights at that in between orange phase. As I rolled through the final stop sign, coming into my complex, I noticed a police patrol car, to my left and cursed myself for not bringing any form of ID and having no idea where my proof of insurance was stored. I drove past the cop car, taking care, after disobeying all the other traffic laws, to use my indicator as I turned down my street, I was quite surprised when he did not budge or even acknowledge my passing. My surprise was quickly replaced by that hot flash of fear you get when you realize that you could possibly be in big trouble, my parking lot was literally filled with patrol cars, 5 in total. I quickly ran down all the possible reasons they could have picked my building to stake out.

Unpaid parking tickets? Tax fraud? Impersonation of a adult? Prostitution?

It turns out they were waiting for my neighbor, he was wanted for questioning in a possible "hit and run" that may have included alcohol. I assumed that the incident happened Friday night, or maybe early Saturday AM, he could have been at 3-4-1? But this guy is not your run of the mill Friday night drinker, he takes his alcoholism seriously, using his recent separation as his excuse, the hit and run happened at approximately 1115am. I sat on my porch with a obstructed view of the parking lot, drinking a beer and waiting for Drunkie McProblem to return.

I wondered why there were 5 patrol cars and a state trooper sent to investigate a hit and run? They all sat with their engines on, windows rolled down and their air going at full blast, talking about road construction near the mall, the pecking order for holiday vacation time and whether or not they should have to wear boots during the summer. At one point the state trooper popped his trunk and they all got out to look inside. I am not sure what exactly they were looking at and I could not hear their conversation, but after a moment or two they all got back into their cars.

My neighbor rolled home, shortly after the trunk inspection around 1pm, with a huge dent in his car. Got out with his hands up and immediately admitted to the "accident" before asking for help, pussy. The cops asked him to perform a field sobriety test that I would fail even on my most sober day, cuffed him and took him off. Leaving us, buzzed on our porch, at 2p on Saturday afternoon.

Since I sure as hell was not getting behind the wheel and there was nothing on TV I went back to bed and had this dream that my neighbors were having sex and woke up too the sounds of......
Well, you know.

An interesting Saturday was had by all.

3-4-1

2006-06-24T20:33:00.000-04:00

Remember when 2-4-1 was all the rage, bars all over would advertise that for the cost of one alcoholic beverage you actually could got two. At first it was just the cheap stuff, but then they started throwing in the top shelf as well and we all got drunker quicker. 2-4-1 makes sense though, on a busy night it is tough to get bar service so why not get your second drink. Most of us were born with two hands and or go out in pairs, so we always either have the extra hand or a friend with whom to split the pair of drinks. It was not long before we were all trained to expect two drinks with each order, I thank Chilli's for this, home of the eternal 2-4-1.
At some point enterprising bar and club owners across the country realized that 2-4-1 was not enough and started offering started offering 3-4-1. I totally understand how this seems like a great idea and we the avid drinkers (alcoholics) should rejoice, but really people, 3-4-1, this is getting sort of ridiculous.
I went out last night, for a work event, to a club who, every Friday offers 3-4-1. When I ordered two Heinie Lites, forgetting that I had three coming my way, they literally handed me a 6 pack, no kidding. Everything came in threes last night, like a page out of Hefner's dreams. As I wondered back to by group, carrying my 6 pack of Heinies I realized that this Friday night was going to be a painful night, which would lead to an unproductive, painful Saturday.
It is 830p now on Saturday. I am starting to feel better, just in time to clean myself up and do it all over again, thankfully, headed to an over priced martini lounge, where I can't afford to reach the drunken level I topped out at last night.

Public Service Announcement

2006-06-21T10:35:00.000-04:00

A follow up to PROOF.

1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.

2.It is okay to call (text) someone 27 times in one night, besides if you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

3.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"

4.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something.

5.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.

6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober.

7.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.

8.You can also call this same ex and let him know, that you know, that he still loves you. Then explain to him that "I would still love me too"!

9.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.

10.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune or Happy Birthday, despite the fact that it is June and they celebrate their birthday in September.

11.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry.

12.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".

13.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it!

14.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.

15.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.

16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually to costly to be a good idea. But if feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, brake rule 15 and use a friend's phone.

17.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk pancake eating.... Be prepared to work off the shame and extra calories in the morning.

18.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk, the person you are calling could interpret this much differently..... "you want me to do what with your box?"

19.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.

20.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, client, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers

Sunday Morning Buzz

2006-06-05T00:20:00.000-04:00

I am one of those questionable Catholic's who attend Mass on Saturday nights, so it does not cut into my full Sunday schedule but sometimes I am forced to do it the old fashioned way. I filled in for one of the other readers at Mass this morning. Walking up to the church this morning was actually slightly confusing, everyone was wearing RED, EVERYONE but me. At first I thought maybe the was my parish's attempt at showing support for Gay Days, this I found pretty humorous.
I went inside to look over my reading; yes it is true I did not reflect on my reading each night as we are instructed, but remember I am a Saturday night Catholic. It dawned on me, as soon as I read over the first reading that today was the Feast of the Pentecost.
You know? fire, holy spirit, people talking in tongues....
Still not ringing a bell?
It's okay, all that is important is that at some point the whole parish was asked to wear RED to celebrate and I showed up, unprepared, wearing PURPLE. I felt like that kid again, the one who was not paying attention at school and when everyone came the next day wearing their favorite baseball team hat, I came hatless. As if the fact that I did not fit in was not enough, I was forced to get up in front of everyone, read a reading, with all kinds of confusing names, wearing purple.
I realized this Sunday that we, the church needs to do a better job of making people feel welcome. There should be a text tree or an email that goes out, reminding or in my case, telling me for the first time, that this Sunday we are all wearing RED. How intimidating must it have been to the C&E's, the visiters and those who are considering returning to the Church, to show up and realize that they had the wrong uniform?
Where does the Sunday morning Buzz come in?
Well several of the Eucharistic Ministers failed to show up, probably because they could not find anything red to wear. So I was offered up as a "volunteer" to do the cup. Someone forgot to tell me that in doing the cup, we are forced to drink the remaining wine, should there be any left over, which, it turns out, there always is...
I left church today, feeling left out, like I did not fit in with a terrible red wine headache; ate breakfast and went back to bed.
In an effort to cheer myself up, I went with Jon to see the Breakup, which could possibly be the most depressing relationship movie, ever.
Bottom line, sometimes Sundays suck and if you are happy and you know it....don't go see the Breakup.

When natural is not a compliment

2006-05-31T22:43:00.000-04:00

I stopped by an office today, after work to pick up some paperwork. It had been a long day, 13 hours long. On my way out I ran into a guy I used to know, who, despite the fact that I have as much right to be there as he did, looked shocked to see me.
Guy: Hey! Hi. Wow, look at you.
Me (akwardly) Hi, no, look at youuuuu.
Guy: You look different, you don't have any makeup on. You look all natuarl. Do you even have any make up on.
Not one to take a compliment seriously or as a matter of fact to register that as a compliment. When I hear natural I picture a native woman, topless, with a stick pierced through her nose, a barrel of water balanced on her head and sweat dripping down her chest.
I smiled at the guy I used to know, put my head up and walked out, reminding myself to lose some weight and start spending more time on makeup.

Proof

2006-05-29T12:51:00.000-04:00

I have been working on this one for a while now and finally feel like I have enough evidence to prove it. Alcohol does not make you do anything you would not normally do, sober. Alcohol only give you the nerve to do stuff you could not get the courage for while sober.

That crazy guy, who peed on the cop car, he hates cops, after 10 tequila shots, he has to courage to express his hatred. The hot blond dancing around with her shirt unbuttoned, has always dreamed of posing for play boy, now, while drunk she has the courage to show off. The friend who kisses you after a night of drinking. Sure, she might regret it in the morning, but she has been wanting to do it for ever. The coworker who tells you at happy hour, that he secretly wishes you would get fired. Watch out, those feelings run pretty deep.

Your actions, your words, those were all premeditated. You've considered them, played them out in your head, but were unable to drag up the nerve to do them, until you were 5 shots in on a Saturday night.

Liquid courage. We've all had it. I had a case of it this weekend.

While I am not completely happy with the outcome or its repercussions, I am satisfied that I got it out of my system.

What's in your freezer

2006-05-22T14:31:00.000-04:00

Democratic congressman, William Jefferson from New Orleans has been accused of accepting a bribe of $100,000. I am not sure what he was allegedly bribed to do (for those of you who are: read the article) I was far more interested in where he choose to store 90k of the 100k booty.

The FEDs found 90k "wrapped in $10,000 packs and concealed in food containers and aluminum foil" in his freezer. I did not notice what he did with the other missing 10k, I hope those cleaver FEDs checked his basement freezer.

I have stored a lot of stuff in my freezer, everything from Vodka to my old car key, which at the time seemed fairly cleaver; I always knew where to find the spare and what would be 96 Green Volvo thief would think to look in the freezer for the spare key*?

If anything this article has reminded me to clean out my frig** and freezer.

I would like to pose this question to you dear readers***. What do you store in your freezer?

*Please note, I no longer store my spare car key in the freezer, apparently the extreme cold damages the remote access device. I may or may not store the spare in a box of condoms under my sink.
** That flash back is for you Linds, I bet they are not so timely on the frig cleaning in Jax?
*** All three of you.

Sometimes life sucks

2006-05-21T15:21:00.000-04:00

Marissa Cooper died on The season finale of The OC this week. At least that is what the last shot makes you think. Maybe she is not really dead, maybe she will pull through, changing her drunken rebelious ways, forfilling her true potential. If I were the writer I would open the 2007 season with friends and family surrounding a stark white hospital room. There would be tears but after an episode or two doctors would reveal that in time she would recover. Then like a butterful she would tranform into a mother Teresa like character.

People would respond to this, it would warm our hearts and bring tears to our eyes, because this would be the culmination of fantacy. Nobody faces death to change for the better, if anything it hardens us into a more steadfast fighter, proving to ourselves that we are invincible.

I am on my second cancer roller coaster, one that started this time two years ago, full of it's ups and downs, pain, peppered with a bit of fantacy. Last time everyone had a survivor story for me, in fact Lance's story was on the cover of every magazine and lead every infomentry program like 2020 and 60 minutes. "livestrong" bracelets adorned everyones wrists and I was constantly confronted with stories from someones dear great aunt Belinda who lived for 30 years after her cancer diagnosis. The articles, the tv shows, the yellow bracelets and Belinda's courage all provided me strength that spring that lasted through most of the summer.

It is not that I grew to not appreciate the stories and constant prayer circles, but after several weeks of sitting by my father's bedside, in a stark, cold, scary hospital bed, watching a machine breath for him the color yellow began to make me ill. Even though he pulled through and has celebrated two miraclous Christmas', I still avoid cheerful stories and sappy chain emails promising of guardian angels and such. See my father faced death, survived to spend the next Christmas surrounded by his loving family. Shortly there after he disowned me, the daughter who sat by his side.

People do not change after facing death.

My Dad has taken me back now that I am "Mark free", it took my grandfather's death to do so. Shortly after our tearful reunion he discovered that the cancer was back. Optimists might point out that it is better now than never, pessimists would point out the irony and realists would just agree that sometimes life sucks!

Another Holy weekend

2006-05-02T17:25:00.000-04:00

Did you all know that Paris is Catholic? Me either.

I came across an article where she seemed to show some dismay about the lack of pictures of her at church. The simple fact that Paris and I have one more thing in common really thrilled me, but it got me thinking.

I wonder if she sits in church sometimes, feeling guilty about her extracurricular too?

It is true, Jesus liked the occasional polite beverage, but did he and the apostles celebrate the occasional Black Out Friday, after a rough day of preaching?

I had a notable weekend, full of fun, alcohol, sun, and um alcohol. So notable in fact, I was unable, in good faith to show my face at Church with my family Sunday. I won't bore you all with the details, mainly cause you can read the short recap here and a sample of some of the dialogue here .

Thank God Paris and I have a forgiving God!

Trapped

2006-04-24T23:19:00.000-04:00

There are just some questions, that when worded just so, trap you, literally.
Melis: Finally got to the grocery store....
Neighbor: I see that. Say, do you have any plans Saturday?
Tough question actually. I mean, first of all it is Monday, so any plans I do have for Saturday are not very firm. I felt akward and hesitant about my answer, I am sure it showed.
Melis: SaturDAY?
Notice me stalling. I was hoping here that the questioner would elaborate as to why he was asking.
Neighbor: Yes, during the day.
DAMN IT all to hell. I wanted to make something up, but we are neighbors, he sees my comings and goings. Also, it was 10p and I was too exhausted to lie.
Melis: Not sure yet.
Neighbor: There is this concert, Jazz. Do you like jazz?
Melis: Um, no not really. I am more of a classical girl (thank god my father did not hear that lie).
Neighbor: It's just that there is this concert in the park, jazz.
Melis: I really don't like jazz, but thanks for the invitation.
Neighbor: Good night.
As I walked away I cured myself for not having plans for Saturday, lying to the neighbor about not liking jazz and for craving macarroni and cheese after a nice long workout.
Tomorrow I might post about my trip down the river with my family, Sunday.

Truth ALA mode

2006-04-18T23:27:00.000-04:00

And for dessert I will have some truth ala mode.

Karen and I went out to dinner at our favorite local Bohemian restaurant. After dinner we headed back to her place to play online. We started off searching for bridesmaids dress but quickly regressed to searching Myspace for exes.

We got to one and found his new flame, a perky little thing, who seems cheerful enough, she is small and blonde, but with the pictures she has posted it is difficult to tell whether or not she is cute. So as we flipped through her picture pages I asked one of those faithful questions that we really don't want to know the answer.

People ask these questions every day. Do these jeans make my butt look fat? Should I order a side of smashed potatoes and a side of rice? Do I really need to stop at that stop sign? So, I haven't done my taxes yet, what's the worst that can happen? The answer that we tell ourselves is normally some justification for what we intend to do or what we want to thing. Sure my butt looks plump, but boys like a little junk in the trunk. Go ahead order the side of carbs with extra carbs, you worked out for a long time last night. A California stop is sufficient. And, I am sure my accountant can clean up something serious.

Melis: Is she cuter than me?
Kar: Ewww, who would post a picture like that on their myspace? (flipping to another page) she is kinda cute (then another) hmm, there, she looks very good there.

Mean while I am sulking over there in the corner. See, when I asked if that girl was cuter, I was hoping for something a little gentler "absolutely not", "are you kidding", "look at those teeth". I did get an " she looks old" but she is old OR older than me at least, which in this case is not a good thing.

So, what I am trying to say is when you want the "vanilla ice cream, with chocolate and whipped cream" answer keep the questions to yourself, but if you want the truth ask a friend OR better yet, ask my friend Karen. She is currently charging for advice, but it is a reasonable rate.

Citrus Club or maybe IHOP

2006-04-17T03:02:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter.

My camera is still broken, but if I hold it just right I can get it to snap pictures.

I woke up after a couple hours of sleep, still wearing my VIP wrist band from Club Paris, was already running late and had to make the first of many big decisions this lovely Easter Sunday.

Decision numbero UNO. Do I have time to wash my hair? Technically, I had washed it just hours before, but it WAS hours before my Club Paris experience. I decided instead of washing my hair I would put more product, masking the smell of desperation from Paris away, into my hair, giving it that fun spring time bouncy look.

Mass was fun, predictable, they baptised a baby, Victoria, I think I fell asleep for a little while. Thankfully, my Mom was able to rip the wrist bands off before we got inside. I hope she could not still smell Paris on me.

After Mass I had an hour and a half before I had to be dressed and ready for brunch so there was decision number dos: nap, work out, walk Charlie, or lounge on my couch watching the OC. After about two hours of sleep, I desperately needed either a nap, shower, or walk, but I really wanted to watch the OC.

The rest of the day was a blur. I think I had brunch with the family and extended family. It might have been at the Citrus Club or maybe IHOP. I either had 4 mimosas or 4 chocolate milks, there is no telling. I picked the wrong dress, surprised? I sat at the wrong end of the table. And decided to sleep instead of drive to Leesburg.

So now Easter is officially over and fitting with all my holiday traditions I am ending this one sleep deprived and confused.

At least my puppy is adorable!

If you need me tomorrow, wait no actually later today, I will be at the pool.

My tribute to the funniest girl in Jacksonville

2006-04-16T00:40:00.000-04:00

Lindsay and I met at a Starbucks. I was interviewing at the radio station, but was apprehensive about taking the position because I had heard that it was difficult to fit in with the all female staff. We met so that Lindz could tell me about the team and easy my fears of not fitting in. I started several weeks later.
She is really the funniest person you will probably ever meet. She can go from serious to hilarious in seconds then switch back to serious with little effort. What a lot of people do not know about her is that she is so warm and caring. Her family and friends mean the world to her. Happiness, not success or fortune mean the most.
She recently took a position at one of our sister stations in Jacksonville, Fl. The list she is taking on is challenging, which I know she will enjoy. She is not making the move for the challenge but instead to be close to the friends who became like family.
Money can buy a lot of things, success will earn respect and countless opportunities, but when you follow your heart and do what makes you happy the rewards are endless.
Lindz, you will be missed!
Good luck and have fun!

My network and I went to the pool today.

2006-04-14T19:11:00.000-04:00

I spent the better part of the day, sunning myself by the pool, like a lazy kitten. I brought two towels, my "jack" hat, my Ipod, my cell, laptop, and blackberry. So technically, while there was hardly anyone there with me, I was not alone, my network was there with me. I replied to some emails, negotiated some May rates, set up appointments for next week, planned my car pitch and caught up on my Superficial.com gossip.

While I was there I got to thinking, what did we do with ourselves before we had cell phones, blackberries, laptops hooked up to wireless web and Ipods with every song we own? I cannot imagine life without having at least two of these devices with me at all times. Not that anything that I did accomplish could not have waited til 4pm, when I got home, but getting them done, while laying half naked (which I realize Tracy, Maki and Matty) is a day late) by the pool seemed like the most efficient use of my time. The only way to have been more efficient would be to have a pedicurist and my (crush) trainer there, two people I was planning to see today, but never got to, sadly.

Inside the actor's studio with Melissa

2006-04-13T09:10:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I like to pretend I am famous. I wake up and put on my dirtiest jeans, throw on my John Deer trucker hat, my oversized sunglasses, pick up a starbucks and head to the fresh market or park ave.
See, when I was a kid I was convinced that I would be a star, I have had my Oscar speech prepared since I was 12. Unfortunately, I discovered at about the age of 16 that I had no talent. Since I am not a socialite or the offspring of an actor, I had no shot of making it.
I came across this list of "inside the actor's studio" questions. I am going to answer them all for you, as if I were famous. Any maybe someday I will give you all my Oscar Acceptance speech.

1. What is your favorite word? "Rendezvous"
2. What is your least favorite word? ( giggling coyly) "I don't even like to say this work, it is so repulsive" (writing the word on a napkin and passing it to James *cunt*)
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? "alcohol and lack of sleep"
4. What turns you off? "arrogance"
5. What is your favorite curse word? "fuck"
6. What sound or noise do you love? "laughter and the sound the birds make first thing in the morning"
7. What sound or noise do you hate? "slurping, whinning"
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? (assuming I am an actor of course here I would say something humble) "I would love to be a teacher, it would be so rewarding to give something back, to inspire children."
9. What profession would you not like to do? (assuming I am an actor again I would go with the humble answer) "a politician, I could not imagine the weight they carry around each day"
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? "I think at that point, I would just want a hug."

Spring Cleaning

2006-04-10T22:06:00.000-04:00

It is kind of chilly here in (enter appropriate city name here), I have the windows open and my IPOD blasting, it is the perfect night for Spring Cleaning.
Perfect because there is nothing on TV, I am too old for coed Monday's and the (enter appropriate college bar name here) and it is 10pm, the ideal time to start a lengthy project.
I am nearing the one year mark at this apartment, the longest I have stayed at one residence since 2001. In fact, Emma, my kitty turns 7 this very month and she has lived at 12 places, 12 people, that works out to 2 moves a year!
The best part about spring cleaning is that it is so theraputic, the worst part is hauling this stuff to the dumpster. I found a case of beer in my closest, BRAHMA beer, 24 bottles, it was under my tiny TV and pictures from my last relationship. The TV stays, the pictures go.
So, I have an offer blog readers. I am willing to give the case of (questionable) beer to the individual who is willing to cart all this crap out to the dumpster.

Calling all Life Coaches

2006-04-06T18:20:00.000-04:00

"You can make a difference in someone's life!"

That's what the employment ad in the local Jobfinder claims. A relatively new company called Florida Mentor has a program where it will train you to make this difference. Once trained you will be able to teach people how to: enjoy life, live a normal life, overcome problems, complete self care and various other day to day activities. When you complete this course you will be called a MENTOR and entry level positions pay as much as $8 an hour with paid vacation!

I am going to have business cards made, my new title, (replacing the existing Duchess of Longwood) will be Life Coach/Mentor. I don't think that I even need to go through this simple 12 week course, I already have in field experience, which we all know is just as good as schooling.

So, tell me friends and readers, what can I coach you on today?

c'est juste une autre bousculade

2006-04-06T14:33:00.000-04:00

First of all, this being my first blogspot blog ever.

I want to say hello to everyone.

I would like to thank a few of you, those that have been specifically inspiring, such as Lindsay, Maki, Tracy, KitKat, Aaron, who only blogs occasionally and the dear folks at Thesuperficial.com
I have been meaning to start this blog for a while now, but you all make this look a lot easier!

I don't know how the rest of the world works, but I go through life, from one crush to another. Normally, these are rather harmless crushes, that become motivating forces in my life. The first noteable one, being freshman year of High School, when I ran miles a day because the guy I liked was on the track team. The trend continued to professors, bartenders, coworkers, chiropracters, with each new crush came a new motivating force.

My most recent crush is on my personal trainer, who for his safety will go un-named. He is absolutely adorable in that dorky "I can do math in my head while you....." kinda way. I especially like the way he counts my reps, "just 5 more to go, come on push it, 5, 4, 3, 2, one more, you can do it.." He is so complimentary and praising; "your form is perfect", "arch your back, that's right".

On one hand I am sure I will look great in a few months, on the other, planning my workout clothes and making sure I am wearing lip gloss is becoming exhausting.

Thank God for those crushes!